I'm close....

to either killing myself and ending the pain for good
or finding the strength to leave his sorry ass.  It depends on the time of day as to which answer I choose.  Right now it's the first.  I'm so at the end of my rope.

He emotionally killed me last night.  Chipped away what little self-esteem and love-of-life I had left.  Told me it was a punishment.

I've been sick for 6 months now.  Severe muscle pain, fatigue, and off and on fevers.  All my blood work is "normal" so it's obviously in my freakin' head.  I'm so tired of hurting.  The physical pain added to the emotional pain is enough to cause anyone to want to give up.  

I think I'm ready

to leave the asshole.

I can do it, right?

written in april....still applies today

I could list all the reasons that I believe I am stupid....but that would take forever. Instead I will just discuss the top two right now. They are pretty pathetic as I'm sure most of you will agree.

The first is the fact that I always have at least a little hope that my husband will go longer than a couple of days without cussing at me, yelling at me, putting me down, or threatening to leave me. What tends to happen is he'll apologize (rarely) or merely begin treating me in a civil manner again, and I begin to become optimistic:
"Maybe it WILL all work out so that my kids don't have to move and have their lives disrupted...."
"Maybe it WILL work out so that I don't have to go back to work full time as a single mother..."
"Maybe it WILL work out so that I don't have to be a divorced woman for a second time-ick!"
"Maybe it WILL work out and we will love each other and be happy for the rest of our lives..."

I know...stupid, isn't it?

Second of all, I suck at affairs. I know, I know...the fact that I am having an affair is stupid as it is. But what makes me TRULY stupid is that I have fallen head over heels in love with the guy. I never wanted that to happen. I never meant for it to happen. It just did. It's inevitable when you meet someone who is undoubtedly your soulmate. It's inevitable when you meet someone who possesses every trait that you find attractive in a person. It's inevitable when the chemistry between you and the other person is incredibly intense and you find yourself craving his touch, his body, his warmth......I could go on and on.

Finding love like this is nothing short of a miracle. But the stupidity of it all, is letting it happen when the two people involved will never be able to be together. It's like torture. It's like getting a small taste of a juicy, perfectly cooked steak then having it pulled away from you as your hunger pains grow stronger and stronger. It hurts. A lot.

Screw it all

I'm getting closer and closer to giving up.

Patrick Swayze

I am not exactly sure why Patrick Swayze's death from pancreatic cancer has hit me so hard.  He was a nice looking actor who had some sexy roles, sure, but I think more than anything....he seemed like a down to earth man. 
I hate cancer.  It's the disease that took my Daddy away from me when I had just turned 17...and he was only 50.

I just watched part of the Barbara Walters interview of Patrick and his wife Lisa Niemi.  Do you know I can't stop crying? It hit me so hard.  The love those two shared was amazing.  Watching two people who shared that kind of love made me sad.  I was definitely sad for Lisa...who has lost her soulmate.  But, on a selfish note, I was sad for myself.  I realized that I will never have that.  If I were to be diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, I would fight my battle against the disease alone.  I would never believe that my husband cared.   I would feel like a nuisance.  I would feel as if he was secretly hoping I would hurry up and die, so he wouldn't have to take care of me.  That is an extremely hard reality to face....but I did. 

And I'm sad.

And the tears I cry tonight as I drift off to sleep won't wash away that reality...no matter how hard I pray, hope, and wish.

Confused

I don't want to hurt my kids but I don't know what else to do. My husband provides for us--I have no job. My husband is not the loving stepfather I want for them. I'm stuck. I'm unhappy. If I leave him, my kids will resent me for messing up their lives. However, they are learning nothing about love and marriage from him.

He provides for us-he provides for my kids. A great life...trips....clothes. To them, now, that's important.

I am sitting in my car with the garage door shut wondering how long it would take for carbon monoxide to relieve me of the misery of this life.

I don't want to hurt my kids. But I know that anything I do at this point will hurt them. Either I drastically change their lives and how they live (they would all have to change schools) or I endure the the life we have now and hope and pray he starts treating them (and me) better.

Or I take my life and they go live with their dad. They would still have to change schools and they would lose their mom who loves them so very much.

I can't win. It seems the least painful situation for them is the worst situation for me.

I would give anything to have met my lover before I met my husband. I would give anything if he and I could be together. He is so respectful, caring, loving, and all around amazing. He is truly my soulmate. But--he is married too at this point, so all I can do is dream about what life could be like with someone who truly loves me.

Wow I definitely rambled, eh? I guess I will take the keys out of the ignition and go to bed. I have so much to figure out and I don't know how to do it.

Goodnight all. Thanks for listening. XOXO


-- Post From My iPhone

I'm Really Unsure

I have been productive this week with the kids being back in school. It's nice. I've also been able to think. I really think I need to change a lot of things about my life. I just need to find the means to do it.

Ugh.